Primary Confessions

Confession: I’m not a blogger. I’ve tried several times to start a blog, but I’ve never felt very blog-worthy.  I think of my husband, who writes with concentrated purpose on music and culture, as well as other bloggers I admire, who always write something eloquent or leave a poignant nugget of wisdom in every post. That will most likely not be me. I am not a motivational speaker, or a person with a vested interest in one subject, or even someone who has a specific passionate purpose in life for which to raise awareness.

I am somewhat boring. I am a property tax research specialist, one who clocks in and out at the same time every day. I make my bed even before I brush my teeth in the morning. I make lists—not just for me, but also for my husband, JWalk (I’m sure someday he’ll thank me). My passions are not related to my job, a duality with which I often struggle. My sense of humor is as dry as the wine I prefer. I follow news and politics, and I enjoy engaging in conversations on a myriad of intense issues. My idea of a party is a glass (or bottle) of cabernet, good vinyl playing softly in the background, and rivoting, intellectually-stimulating conversation, during which I incorporate snarky asides any chance I get.

I overthink and overfeel. I am passionate about people and their sense of worth. I root for the underdog and secretly even petty criminals, wondering what horrible things must have influenced their bad decision making. While I am consumed with love for others, I subconsciously build these translucent walls around myself, in which I am able to bend to relate to others, but I shield myself out of fear from allowing others the opportunity to relate to me.  Fears of vulnerability and rejection are my greatest inhibitors in life, and they also keep me from becoming a contributing citizen of Cool Blog World.

However, I recently had somewhat of an epiphany. I realized that while I may not be blog-worthy, or even remotely cool, I can and should still blog, even if it’s just for myself. I need to stop being consumed with living my life for others’ approval, and that includes blogging.  I have always grown as a person through seasons of journaling and introspection (except for one instance, when my college roommate read my journal and later exposed my deepest, innermost thoughts to other people. Needless to say, that propelled an intense period of regression). One of my goals for 2012 is to find my own voice regardless of who’s listening, and I can’t think of a better way than to write honest content, expressing my true thoughts and opinions, even if they’re unpopular or controversial, without fear of judgment.

Maybe there are other aspiring bloggers out there who feel they have nothing of value or importance to say. Maybe if all the content observers come read my blog, they’ll realize that there are other “normal” people out there just like them, leading seemingly lackluster lives, trying to find their way through life and sticking their uncool necks out on a limb in order to rediscover the things they truly value about themselves. Or maybe I will be the only one who ever reads this drivel. If so, your loss, suckers.